Since the story of Adam and Eve, women have been taught that there’s something wrong with them. And that they’re the ones to blame. We also often hear in our culture specifically that there’s something wrong with our genitals and that they smell. We’re taught to be pure and clean, which is demonstrated by all the creams and lotions in the drug stores that tell us that we should smell like sugar and spice and everything nice. And, yet, there are no creams to help men’s genitals smell better.
There are ample sociological examples of how we’ve all been a part of this sexually shaming culture for women. And, how are women supposed to find their pleasure spots when there’s so much shame around their smells, their feelings and their bodies in general?
Sexual shaming is part of the reason that women become controlling toward their bodies and its size and shape. We carry so much shame around our gorgeous bodies. And, there are serious repercussions in regards to pleasure when we try to control what is inherently natural and beautiful. This attempt at control inevitably contributes to many women not feeling as much pleasure in their lives and in the bedroom.
It’s translated here. “One study of college students found 91 percent of men and 39 percent of women always or usually orgasm during sexual encounters…. The orgasm gap isn’t limited to students. Among a nationally representative U.S. sample, 64 percent of women and 91 percent of men said they’d orgasm in their most recent encounter.”
This study and situation is for heterosexual men and women. “Lesbians are more likely to orgasm than heterosexual women.”
This is a problem.
What’s Up With The Orgasm Gap?
According to Google, there are more than 8,000 nerves in the TIP of the clitoris alone. That’s double than those in a penis. 8,000 nerves! So what gives? Why aren’t most women climaxing regularly?
It seems that women are not getting the clitoral stimulation they need during their sexual encounters. As a coach for women with more than a decade helping women all over the country embrace their sensuality, sexuality and creativity, I have a few ideas as to why there is such as gap with men versus women climaxing.
Many—if not most—women are not asking for what they want; rather, they accommodate their partner’s desires. A lot of women don’t even know what they want. Millions feel shame about their bodies and/or feel that they don’t deserve pleasure, playing into the thought that it will take their partner too long to get them off so why bother.
Fixing The Men Women Climaxing Gap: Three Things You Can Do To Increase Pleasure And Get Your Needs Met In And Out Of The Bedroom
You need to know what you want. If you have a partner, create time to explore toys and different forms and styles of touch to see and feel out what you like. There are SO many fun props out there to help create play and intimacy with a partner. If you’re unaware or terrified where to start, I can help. Please keep reading.
Play with yourself (yes your clit and g-spot) on your own and work through the body shame. So many women have been raped. One in three women to be precise, and that’s only what’s reported. Many, without being raped, have issues with food and their body size. They’re not comfortable in their skin. They don’t feel good when they’re too small or too big or too (you can fill in the blank).
Research professor at the University of Houston and bestselling author Brene Brown says, “We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use the shame to change ourselves or others.” Shame, however that shows up for you, is something you need to overcome in order to feel more pleasure. It’s difficult, but it’s worth it.
Find pleasure in your life outside of the bedroom. Take time to identify and explore what brings you joy and pleasure and how it feels in your body. I think therapy and meds are good sometimes for certain psychological problems. However, if you don’t have a psychological personality problem or a chemical imbalance, talking about the same issues over and over again in therapy can actually hinder your recovery. You won’t heal just using your mind. Body shame cannot heal from simply talking about how crappy you feel. You’ve got to move energy in your body. You’ve got to seek pleasure in your life. You’ve got to find what turns you on! No one can give this to you. It’s all within you.
Saying YES To You!
I had a client last year who didn’t want to do the work necessary to find her passion. It became clear that she was more committed to her struggles and her status quo life than she was to finding her passion and pleasure. She has a good job. She has an awesome partner. BUT, she doesn’t like her job. She likes her partner, but their sex life sucks and is quite monotonous. When we worked together, I gave her at least 20 things she could do about work and the guy. Guess what she did? NADA.
What you say yes to in your life, you accept, and no action is still an action.
Even though she complains, she still does nothing. Yet, this is HER work. And unfortunately, other folk’s opinions of her pleasure and beliefs mean more to her than her own.
But, it doesn’t have to be this way.
We, as powerful and professional women, can lead awesome and pleasurable lives both in the boardroom and in the bedroom. We can learn to live each day with increased connection, joy and pleasure. As women climaxing, we can experience our 8,000 nerve endings and get connected to our flow and glow.
But we have to decide that women climaxing is important and take personal responsibility for our pleasure. We don’t want to live like this anymore. And if we need help getting there, which so many of us do, we get help.
Essentially, there is nothing more empowered than a woman who owns that she needs help and asks for it. And, there’s nothing sexier than a woman who is willing to do anything she can to live a life of pleasure for herself.
If you’re struggling with issues concerning women climaxing, body shame or figuring out what truly turns you on, I can help. I offer online coaching for women and have helped thousands of women claim their power both in and out of the bedroom. If you’re ready to create a pleasurable and exciting life infused with passion, sensuality and creativity, I invite you to schedule an initial call with me. I’m happy to talk through what’s blocking you from living a life you truly love and discuss how I can best support you on your journey out of shame and into delight.
With Love, Leslie