Are you a Queen or are you a Bitch? Bet you haven’t been asked that question in a while. Or maybe ever!
If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably know that I’m very open with my voice and about my role in helping other women set healthier, effective boundaries. It’s important that women get what they need, stop spreading themselves so thin and feel more comfortable in their skin so they can live a life of pleasure and creativity. My passion is to empower women … or as many as will let me …
For more than a decade I’ve been coaching women one-on-one all over the country, and my work online has reached more than 4000 women. Although that’s amazing, my goal is to reach, and ideally help, many, many more.
Does that mean I’m not scared to put my authentic voice out there? NO, IT DOESN’T.
Does that mean I’m perfect and won’t receive negative feedback? NOPE.
Does that mean that I feel that I’m better than anyone and everyone? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
However, I am an expert in women’s issues and have helped thousands of women live empowered, creative and sensual lives that they love. Even still, I’ve noticed that some people have issues with experts and any type of authority using their own voice.
After receiving some—let’s say “interesting”—feedback on a recent blog post, Why Aren’t Women Climaxing More Often? Three Tips To Increase Your Pleasure Both In And Out Of The Bedroom, I started thinking more about when and how we, as women, use our voices, and why some women struggle to do so so much to the point that they push back against women who do. It could be because so many of us have gotten hurt in the past. Some of us don’t feel safe being our true selves or being seen and heard because there are bitches out there who have hurt us, put us down, and told us that we weren’t good enough and that we should be quiet.
I mean, how dare we speak up for ourselves? (Insert eye roll.)
Let me explain more…
As women, many of us have been taught to watch our tongues. We might have been taught to only speak when spoken to. Or to accept what we’ve been given. You may have been taught to be like what I call “saccharin”—sweet, like fake sugar.
Also, many of us felt way cooler when we were younger. A lot of us feel like we’ve lost our groove, and somehow, somewhere, we also lost our voice and, eventually, ourselves.
If this resonates with you dear sister, you are not alone. This programming is all too common.
Choosing The Throne Over Cattiness
Women have come a long way since the Civil and Women’s Rights Movements. We can vote. We can work. We can date who we want to depending on where we live in the world. We can date women, men, be monogamous, be poly, etc. We can have kids and we can choose not to have kids. We can go for a job we want to go for. And, we can talk about all of it out in the open—if we allow ourselves to. We have so many more choices than we have ever before. It’s pretty phenomenal.
And, yet, making empowered choices can feel daunting. And, if it is, I highly suggest checking out my blog post on Claiming Your Power.
However, and sadly, when we’re truly ourselves and those selves are out of the box, we threaten other women still stuck in their boxes.
And this threat can bring out the “inner bitch” in some women. Women struggling with this inner bitch will often do some or all of the following:
They’ll start competing with you.
They’ll be mean to you.
They’ll speak behind your back.
They’ll outwardly judge you.
They’ll do something rude because their box has been threatened.
The question is, are YOU like this to other women and stuck in YOUR BOX? Or, are you the Queen Of Your Life, helping other women, which essentially helps you and us all?
Women can either focus on hindering or helping other women. I vote for helping each other! We need a tribe of women to support us, and we them in these and in all times. According to an article in Forbes, “We need to reverse the stereotype that women don’t support other women. There is research that shows women in particular benefit from collaboration over competition. Study after study shows women who support women are more successful in business.”
Women helping other women also tend to live longer and happier lives because they have a supportive group of women backing them. Even as I write this, I have a group of powerful women in my personal and professional life. None of this work would happen without them. I’m very aware and grateful for that every day. (Thank you Jessie, Lisa, Erica, Mom, Erika, Andrea, and all of my beautiful clients <3).
If you need a powerful and supportive group, I invite you to join my FB Group.
Every Day You Have A Choice To Be A Bitch Or A Queen.
This week, I learned that a woman whom I thought was an ally, wasn’t. She sent me a rude note because of my article on orgasms, which had clearly pissed her off. The work I’m putting out in the world is too much for her. Do you know what my response was? Nothing. You’re reading my response. I deleted her email and walked away.
Indecisive, uncommitted, uncoachable and inflexible women will stay stuck in this box. They will not thrive. They will not heal. They’ll be lonely. And, as much as it pains me to say, they’ll be bitchy. They won’t get the help they desperately need. And, the worst part is that they’ll take it out on other women.
We all get to choose our battles ladies! And receiving this unproductive feedback wasn’t a battle I wanted or needed to fight. I also realized that this feedback was not a battle with me. It was and is a battle between this woman and herself. She just hasn’t realized it yet.
Healing Wounds: From Bitch to Queen
When you have a strong response to something (especially when it’s highly reactionary), it sometimes comes from an older, unhealed place.
In coaching for women sessions, I work with identifying, exploring and healing old and outdated wounds with clients all of the time. Healing our old wounds is how we create more peace in our hearts, in our relationships and in the world. It’s also part of how we become the Queens of Our Lives.
Sometimes, you need to walk away. Sometimes, you get to thoughtfully and powerfully use your voice. Sometimes, you need to fight for the voiceless.
And that’s what I’m doing for the women who feel silenced, and feel unhappy in their relationships. As a women’s coach, I serve as a guide for all you ladies out there who want to live out your passions, pleasures, and creativity—who want to be seen and heard as who YOU ARE.
I am the guide, and you are your teacher. Together, we get to do the work and design a life in which you are Queen.
I’m here for YOU. I will fight for YOU.
And, if you know that you’re being a bitch, and not a Queen, we can work on that, too. One of my clients realized that she was being a bitch and cut it out. Now her partnership is the best it has ever been and her man is totally loving on her. Other aspects of her life have dramatically improved too. She is steadily owning the kind, compassionate, confident, creative and sensual Queen that she’s always innately been.
It’s unfortunate that some women choose to be a bitch instead of the queen I know they can be.
Each generation needs to support and hold one another up. Women get to commit to taking care of themselves and helping other women. WE NEED EACH OTHER TO THRIVE.
I cannot tell you how many women I know hold themselves back because they don’t want to have enemies. “Women are often harder on each other than men are on each other,” says Seth Meyers in his Psychology Today article. I say enough is enough, and that it’s time for change.
Are you ready to be the Queen of your life?
Or, are you attached to being a Bitch?